Orange, Mickey Mouse, and my sweet boy...

I miss my boy so much tonight... like every other night.

One night in July the sky just lit up in the most brilliant orange colors...

And it seemed like I could see Mickey mouse ears in the clouds too. I know it may sound weird, but things like that just seem to be really awesome, and almost like a gift to a momma who misses her boy that LOVED orange and mickey mouse.

 SO beautiful.

As the sky got darker, the orange just got more brilliant. It was really amazing. 

Sometimes, I just need to see it and think it was put there to calm my heart. Like God's saying to me, I have him here with me, he's ok, you'll see him soon.

Man, I hope it's soon. I just want one of these hugs.

Until then I'm looking, waiting, & watching...

Titus 2:13

 "Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Saviour Jesus Christ;"

It's been a long time...and there's no good way to begin to explain..

I haven't written in a long time. 

And in March-April I'd say it was because we were finishing up our kindergarten and K3 school year with the boys, and were busy preparing to have our little girl.

She was born April 14th. Most beautiful baby girl EVER.

My heart was SO full. 

The boys were SO happy to finally meet their sister.

 We were completely COMPLETE.

In May I would say it was because we were adjusting to a newborn, celebrating Darryl's birthday, Mothers Day, our anniversary, dealing with a broken arm, bringing the boys to tball and coach pitch, and crazy busy with putting our house on the market.

Amidst all of the chaos, we were enjoying and loving having 3 kiddos, the boys just LOVED their new sister..

In the beginning of June I would say that it was because we were finishing up the seasons tball/coach pitch seasons with the boys, going to a week long VBS at church, getting a cast off, cleaning the house for it to be shown all the time, planning Caleb's 6th birthday party, and prepping for our visit to Louisiana to see our family and celebrate our home church's 25th anniversary.

We did visit, but nothing went as planned. One day after we arrived, our 3.75 year old baby boy went to be with Jesus following complications from a tragic drowning accident at my parents house. Our lives are changed forever.

I cannot describe the agony of losing a child. It's something that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I do ask for your constant prayers as that is all that gets us through some days, most days actually. 

I miss this face. 

I miss tucking him in, kissing, hugging, reading to him, I miss it all so much I want to scream!!!! But I can't have him back. Nothing *I* can do will give me my sweet, sensitive, goober of a little boy back.

The ONE comfort my husband and I have in this situation is knowing that Ayden is in Heaven with Jesus. He's running around on streets of gold, knowing no pain, no sorrow, only happiness. I miss his smile, his laugh, his little voice saying "Mommy". He has always had my heart and always will. 

I don't know why this happened to us. If you know me well, you know that I'm one of the most OVERprotective mothers on the planet. I honestly cannot believe it happened to me, to our family. But it did. We prayed for God to heal Ayden, to bring him back to us and our family. He did heal Ayden completely, just not in the way we were asking Him to. But ONE day, one amazingly awesome day, we will see him again, I will hold my baby boy again, and we will be COMPLETE. 

Oh, I just wish it were today. These past two months have felt like years. Years I want to take back and get the days back of hearing my boys run around, laugh, fight, anything but the silence!!!!

One month after Kaelyn was born, and the month before Ay passed away, I took a photo of my 3 kiddos that I will forever cherish.

Look at her touching her brother. So sweet, it just hurts my heart to know she'll never get to know how MUCH he loved her. But she will, I'll tell her every day if I have to. I will.

And Caleb, sweet boy. He turned six years old just 5 short days after the accident. He is torn up. It is so difficult for all of us. But, he lost his BEST friend. The one he spent more time with than anyone. I hate seeing him hurt.

Darryl & I miss seeing our boys together. We miss our little Ay man.

Please pray for us. That's what we need more than anything right now. 

Psalm 147:3 "He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds."

A camping getaway...

We knew it would be hard to go on a trip without Ayden. We knew we didn't really WANT to go. But then again.. kind of had to. You see, we scheduled our camping trip to Yogi park in February 3 months ahead of time so we could go in May with our 3 kids. But then Ayden broke his arm in may, and because he couldn't get his cast wet, we decided to reschedule it to June. So he could get wet in the splashpad, and swim.. Ugh. Little did we know, we wouldn't have our little man on the trip we had talked about for months. The camping trip Darryl was SO excited to take his boys on. The trip that I had been looking forward to for months because it would get us out of the house and away from the stress of cleaning/always having to have the house clean because it was on the market. JUST to have time to spend playing with my boys in the woods & water, and cuddling my newborn baby girl, so awesome! 

But we didn't get that. That was IMPOSSIBLE.

We debated even going. He was SO excited for the trip. How could we go without him? But then Caleb was excited for the trip too..and he is HERE. WITH us here. We had to take him. We HAD to go for the children we had here with us.

For them. And for us too.

So we did. It was beautiful. It was SO hard. It was necessary.

The cabin was beautiful. Just what we were expecting and wanting when we booked it 3 months prior.

Had a kitchen, a master bed, a little living room, and oh, and upper loft.

with TWO beds. 

Two. Perfect.

All I could do when I looked at those beds was think of HOW much fun my boys would have had together on those beds! Why Lord why can't I just see my boys jumping around up there together? It seems like such a simple request. 

We quickly unpacked and headed for the splashpad...Caleb didn't want to wait any longer and I wanted to stop staring at the stupid loft.. so off we went! I wasn't happy about it. I didn't want to be near water, I didn't want to see a pool or any little 3 year old boys running around with their families when I so badly wanted mine! But nonetheless, my feelings weren't worth disappointing Caleb. We had to face it eventually, here it was, a month after the accident, and Caleb's wanting to swim in a pool.

He's 6. He loves the water. Ayden loved the water too..
My thoughts torment me sometimes..

But..

The entire trip was worth it..

Why, you ask?

to see them laugh like this..

to see her reaction to the cold water..

to watch Caleb just enjoying some time with his Daddy..

 to let her feel the sand for the first time..

 cute little feet.

to watch them fish again...even though they both missing their fishing buddy..

 to watch him re-grill his grilled cheese from dinner. (he's so goofy)

 to be STILL for awhile and take in the paintings God gave us in the sunsets. 

They were painted orange because it's Ayden's favorite color, and we needed to see that... I just know that's the reason, ok?

 to see her hair curl for the very first time..

{Oh you know you see it sticking up there!}

 Our first trip without Ayden...or was it? He seemed to be there. In every laugh, every sunset, every tear, every smile from his brother & sister, in the orange golf cart we drove around in... everywhere. He's with us and will always be with us because we aren't separated forever...just for now, one day we'll see him again.

 But for now... we miss him SO much it hurts... Kaelyn summed it up pretty well.

 First trip. Check.