It's been a long time...and there's no good way to begin to explain..

I haven't written in a long time. 

And in March-April I'd say it was because we were finishing up our kindergarten and K3 school year with the boys, and were busy preparing to have our little girl.

She was born April 14th. Most beautiful baby girl EVER.

My heart was SO full. 

The boys were SO happy to finally meet their sister.

 We were completely COMPLETE.

In May I would say it was because we were adjusting to a newborn, celebrating Darryl's birthday, Mothers Day, our anniversary, dealing with a broken arm, bringing the boys to tball and coach pitch, and crazy busy with putting our house on the market.

Amidst all of the chaos, we were enjoying and loving having 3 kiddos, the boys just LOVED their new sister..

In the beginning of June I would say that it was because we were finishing up the seasons tball/coach pitch seasons with the boys, going to a week long VBS at church, getting a cast off, cleaning the house for it to be shown all the time, planning Caleb's 6th birthday party, and prepping for our visit to Louisiana to see our family and celebrate our home church's 25th anniversary.

We did visit, but nothing went as planned. One day after we arrived, our 3.75 year old baby boy went to be with Jesus following complications from a tragic drowning accident at my parents house. Our lives are changed forever.

I cannot describe the agony of losing a child. It's something that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I do ask for your constant prayers as that is all that gets us through some days, most days actually. 

I miss this face. 

I miss tucking him in, kissing, hugging, reading to him, I miss it all so much I want to scream!!!! But I can't have him back. Nothing *I* can do will give me my sweet, sensitive, goober of a little boy back.

The ONE comfort my husband and I have in this situation is knowing that Ayden is in Heaven with Jesus. He's running around on streets of gold, knowing no pain, no sorrow, only happiness. I miss his smile, his laugh, his little voice saying "Mommy". He has always had my heart and always will. 

I don't know why this happened to us. If you know me well, you know that I'm one of the most OVERprotective mothers on the planet. I honestly cannot believe it happened to me, to our family. But it did. We prayed for God to heal Ayden, to bring him back to us and our family. He did heal Ayden completely, just not in the way we were asking Him to. But ONE day, one amazingly awesome day, we will see him again, I will hold my baby boy again, and we will be COMPLETE. 

Oh, I just wish it were today. These past two months have felt like years. Years I want to take back and get the days back of hearing my boys run around, laugh, fight, anything but the silence!!!!

One month after Kaelyn was born, and the month before Ay passed away, I took a photo of my 3 kiddos that I will forever cherish.

Look at her touching her brother. So sweet, it just hurts my heart to know she'll never get to know how MUCH he loved her. But she will, I'll tell her every day if I have to. I will.

And Caleb, sweet boy. He turned six years old just 5 short days after the accident. He is torn up. It is so difficult for all of us. But, he lost his BEST friend. The one he spent more time with than anyone. I hate seeing him hurt.

Darryl & I miss seeing our boys together. We miss our little Ay man.

Please pray for us. That's what we need more than anything right now. 

Psalm 147:3 "He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds."