The storm in me...

I've been meaning to write for awhile now..always thinking of things I want to write down but never doing it because things are busy and life is hard. We just passed 9 month since Ayden's accident, the day left us & never the same. There have been so many difficult things we've had to deal with. Going back to the home we lived in in Mississippi and seeing his little rain boots on the porch where he left them, his bed made with his mickey mouse's the way he liked it, all of that. Only to have to move a month later and leave that house that held all of the memories behind. I didn't want to leave Ayden's grave, I wanted to live where I could "visit" him, but at the same time, I didn't want to leave that house. But then again how could I live IN it without him. How could I live anywhere without him? Ugh. So we moved, and amazingly enough God provided so we never had to actually make a house payment after we left. We found buyers for the house and they moved in right after we moved out. Darryl's job transferred him to New Orleans right away so that was never an issue either.Even in the tough times and times when we feel like He's not there, He is faithful. I know He is. 

So we moved into a house with family for a few weeks and Caleb started school, another BIG event in our household since I never don't have my kids. If you have known me for any amount of time before the accident, my kids were with me 24/7 and I was never away from them more than 4 hours at a time except for 2x, once when they spent the night with family for our anniversary, and once when Kaelyn was born. And I was nervous both times because why? Because I'm one of the most overprotective mommies in the world. Of course. Anyway, back to the school part, we put him in a local Christian school and the first day was TOUGH. It was heartwrenching to see poor Caleb try so hard to be brave only to break down crying when I said I had to leave and me to break down crying. I waited in the hall for 30 minutes just listening to my poor baby cry for me, cry for Ayden. If Darryl wasn't there I would have scooped him up and homeschooled him through college because I wasn't about to leave my baby upset after everything he's gone through. But thankfully he did calm down with the help of one of my friends who works at the school who sat in the room with him. So thankful for her. It also happens to be that Caleb's teacher (who is amazing by the way) lost her own little boy many years ago. She shows great compassion for Caleb and what he's had to endure, and I know that God gave her to us, to Caleb because He knows exactly what we need. We also were able to get in a rental house without a lease or anything tying us to it while we decided whether to build or buy a home here. We also started Ayden's Foundation of Hope in August, to help other grieving parents and to keep our boy's memory alive. He is faithful. I know He is. 

September 5th, what was to be Ayden's 4th birthday came and nothing can prepare you for that. I'm BIG on making a huge deal out of their birthdays, but what do you do when your child isn't there anymore? It was horrible, there's no way around it. But we did what we could to celebrate it. Bringing balloons to let go in honor of him. Bringing him a big mickey balloon for his gravesite and little orange balloons with the number 4. We sang happy birthday to our sweet boy and went home and ate his favorite foods. No cake, no ice cream, no candles being blown out, no 5 hour cake making, no beaters to lick the icing off of, no sweet dimples and beautiful eyes lighting up at the presents. Nothing. No parent should have to do that.But we do, and there are people like us having to endure the same thing. I hate this. I hate listening to what Caleb thinks about it all, knowing his life will always be scarred by this. It's not fair. But He is faithful. I know He is. 

October, November, December. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, all of the joyous holidays that we once SO much enjoyed, came and went, emptied of the sweet & joyfulness we once had with Ayden here. Seeing families together would make us cringe, not understanding why we can't have that too. Why us? Why does that family have all of their GROWN children and we at 25 years old had to lose our 3 year old. Caleb at 5 had to lose his brother & best friend. And Kaelyn at 2 months had to lose her big brother, and will never get to know how very sweet he was with her. Why couldn't we just have these holidays with all three kids at least ONE year. We never got even one. Just 2 months with all 3 kids. It wasn't enough. It will never make sense to me. Even so, He is faithful. I know He is. 

In December, we closed on some property. It's funny, we have passed this lot so many times the last couple of years, never knowing our future home would be there. We planned to build in another city, but it never worked out. God knew where we'd end up. This property was $20,000 cheaper than the property we were looking at 20 minutes away and it's in the same city as our families and Caleb's school. We now realize this is the best decision and are very grateful for the property we were able to purchase. He is faithful. I know He is. 

It's now March and we are trucking along. We made it past new years, valentines, , my birthday, and st pattys day.. I know it seems odd to make a big deal out of little holidays, but I always did with the kids. We'd do crafts and bake things, just a way to make the days more fun & interesting. Now I find myself struggling to do that for Caleb without Ayden because it's just plain hard seeing that void. Not seeing 4 hands playing with dough, painting a picture, not hearing his little voice trying to talk over Caleb's. Anytime we'd be in the car and they both were trying to talk to me they'd both say "Mommy Mommy Mommy, (repeat 437 times) and I distinctly remember Ayden would always say, "I asked you birst!" (first) Love his little voice. It's' SO hard to do life without him. It's so hard when people make dumb comments implying I should be over it, or am over it. Newsflash:I'll never be OVER it, you don't get over losing your child! You just go on as best as you can and try to be there for the ones you have. It's hard when people ask How many kids do you have, and when you say 3, they look at the 2 you have tagging along and wonder where the 3rd is. And sometimes I just want to say Nope, not doing it anymore...    

But....

Caleb has amazing cursive, is reading like crazy, making friends left & right, and is one hilarious little dude. And he is watching us...

And KGrace, she's taking up to 15 steps at a time now, is getting super stubborn, and has the best little girly smile & dance I've ever seen..And she is watching us..

This is affecting them too... and will forever. So I choose to live it out. To make a conscious choice to live for Him and live for them, because that's what matters at the end of the day.

I will have bad days where I don't want to talk, or text, or smile but just bear with me...because I do have a storm in me that has changed my entire being, and it's permanent. Most days Jesus calms it, but there are some days where I just about can't take it all. Too many flashbacks from that day, bad memories, and wishes that I would have been more, done more. I will get sad when I see families together, I will think of Ayden everytime I see a little blonde headed boy with blue eyes, and wonder why my sweet boy? I will cringe and most likely bluntly say something everytime I hear a mom whine about their child and what a rough day they had, or how their boys are arguing and how annoying it is they because I'd give anything for those days of NOISE back. The silence here is heart wrenching. I know that it's probably not fair for me to compare it to others situations, but it's all I have. It's what's constantly on my mind and in my heart because it's such a large void that will not be filled on this earth.  I realize that, and it's painful beyond words, but He is faithful. I know He is. 

Who am I, 

that the voice that calmed the sea

Would call out through the rain

And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are

 I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours

I am His. Ayden was God's before he was mine, and He's holding Him right now. Now without that hope, I would be crushed, devastated, and depressed. But I know Ayden is ok, and I know that I'll see him again, the worst part is this wait. Darryl said something to me the other day that I hadn't heard said in the context he said it. "The only thing between us & Heaven is death." That was totally profound to me. Of course I knew that, but think about it, think about the way the world views death as this horrible thing, when in all reality, THAT is the real start. That's the real deal right there, when life is actually 100% perfect. So... we toil through this muddy,disappointing life, always hoping and forever looking forward to the life we'll have forever with Ayden. Until then we work. We pray, we help other families, and we tell people about the Hope we have in Jesus. Because we want others to experience the realness of the life ahead of us. This one will have its sadness, it's disappointments, and imperfections. But if you have Jesus, the next one won't have anything but eternal happpiness I don't know about you but I can't wait for an eternity of hugs, kisses and piggyback rides with my little man. I miss this. I miss toting 3 kids around. I see others with all three of theirs and wonder, why me, why us, Why Ayden???? But then I remember where he is. He's in heaven with Jesus... So until I get to be with him.. "I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 3:14

It's been a long time...and there's no good way to begin to explain..

I haven't written in a long time. 

And in March-April I'd say it was because we were finishing up our kindergarten and K3 school year with the boys, and were busy preparing to have our little girl.

She was born April 14th. Most beautiful baby girl EVER.

My heart was SO full. 

The boys were SO happy to finally meet their sister.

 We were completely COMPLETE.

In May I would say it was because we were adjusting to a newborn, celebrating Darryl's birthday, Mothers Day, our anniversary, dealing with a broken arm, bringing the boys to tball and coach pitch, and crazy busy with putting our house on the market.

Amidst all of the chaos, we were enjoying and loving having 3 kiddos, the boys just LOVED their new sister..

In the beginning of June I would say that it was because we were finishing up the seasons tball/coach pitch seasons with the boys, going to a week long VBS at church, getting a cast off, cleaning the house for it to be shown all the time, planning Caleb's 6th birthday party, and prepping for our visit to Louisiana to see our family and celebrate our home church's 25th anniversary.

We did visit, but nothing went as planned. One day after we arrived, our 3.75 year old baby boy went to be with Jesus following complications from a tragic drowning accident at my parents house. Our lives are changed forever.

I cannot describe the agony of losing a child. It's something that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I do ask for your constant prayers as that is all that gets us through some days, most days actually. 

I miss this face. 

I miss tucking him in, kissing, hugging, reading to him, I miss it all so much I want to scream!!!! But I can't have him back. Nothing *I* can do will give me my sweet, sensitive, goober of a little boy back.

The ONE comfort my husband and I have in this situation is knowing that Ayden is in Heaven with Jesus. He's running around on streets of gold, knowing no pain, no sorrow, only happiness. I miss his smile, his laugh, his little voice saying "Mommy". He has always had my heart and always will. 

I don't know why this happened to us. If you know me well, you know that I'm one of the most OVERprotective mothers on the planet. I honestly cannot believe it happened to me, to our family. But it did. We prayed for God to heal Ayden, to bring him back to us and our family. He did heal Ayden completely, just not in the way we were asking Him to. But ONE day, one amazingly awesome day, we will see him again, I will hold my baby boy again, and we will be COMPLETE. 

Oh, I just wish it were today. These past two months have felt like years. Years I want to take back and get the days back of hearing my boys run around, laugh, fight, anything but the silence!!!!

One month after Kaelyn was born, and the month before Ay passed away, I took a photo of my 3 kiddos that I will forever cherish.

Look at her touching her brother. So sweet, it just hurts my heart to know she'll never get to know how MUCH he loved her. But she will, I'll tell her every day if I have to. I will.

And Caleb, sweet boy. He turned six years old just 5 short days after the accident. He is torn up. It is so difficult for all of us. But, he lost his BEST friend. The one he spent more time with than anyone. I hate seeing him hurt.

Darryl & I miss seeing our boys together. We miss our little Ay man.

Please pray for us. That's what we need more than anything right now. 

Psalm 147:3 "He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds."

Fall adventures!

Oh my, where to start?! We have been SO incredibly busy!

At the beginning of the month, we took a few trips to the reservoir for lunches, and enjoyed the beautiful weather!

We also found a baby bunny in our shed in the backyard. We caught it, but when trying to give it some food it hopped away SUPER fast! The boys loved it..

October is the month we start drinking hot cuckoo coffee (hot chocolate) again!

It got pretty cold for like a week and now it's still in the 80's at the end of October. LOL

Gotta love the south!

 I love these pics because they show my boys the way they are every day. Outside on their swings loving just being little boys. Ay has just undies on (the way he prefers it), oh, and they are backwards so he can see the picture better. LOL! Too funny.

We went to the pumpkin patch with some friends about 2 weeks ago! 

We barely made it on time for the last hayride but we all had a blast!

Love seeing these boys together! :)

 The very next day we headed to the State fair! It's only about 20 minutes from us and we love it there!

The boys were SO cute with the rides this year!! Oh my goodness it was fun.

They rode their first roller coaster without us on it, makes me realize how much they are growing up! It was adorable. We had sugary drinks and funnel cake, and the guys had greasy food. Me not so much!

Lookin' pretty tough on that motorcycle Mr. Ay!

And one of the many highlights of the fair was the fish that Daddy won! He won 

2 goldfish for the boys. Unfortunately they died the morning after because Mommy & Daddy put them in unfiltered water (oops) but now we have a pretty orange/red beta fish named Sharkbait because of it! ;)

We have been enjoying our fall adventures and hope you enjoy a peek into them! We have much more to post about but lack the time to do that, but hopefully soon we'll be all caught up!!