One Day...

Ay biting the Peeps heads off last Easter, 2011. 

"Mommy, this is the song we sang in church!" Ayden was SO excited to hear the song "oh Glorious Day" playing from my computer speakers. I was just doing the dishes before getting ready to leave for a trip to visit family and couldn't help but smile when he said that. "You're right bubba it is the same song!" He just smiled and ran off to play like he did best. I was really happy, just thinking that he noticed, he remembered that song we sang in church. It was a really neat experience because our pastor had sung the that song for special music but had said if we knew the words to sing it with him, and we all did and I just LOVED that song. I think Ay did too. He was always a "taker inner" as I'd call them. He'd quietly sit back, taking everything in, watching & listening, and then would say what he had to say later. I love that about him. SO inquisitive but so sweet. 

Two short days after that sweet kitchen conversation, my little boy was in Heaven with Jesus. FOREVER. I have to say, I hate the word death, dying, why do they even call it that? Ayden is more alive than any of us are, than we will ever be until we get to Heaven! Jesus rose again, and because of that my sweet boy is ALIVE!

That song was one of my favorites before, but has SUCH a special place in my heart now.

One day when Heaven was filled with His praises
One day when sin was as black as could be
Jesus came forth to be born of a virgin
Dwelt among men, my example is He
Word became flesh and the light shined among us
His glory revealed

Living, He loved me
Dying, He saved me
Buried, He carried my sins far away
Rising, He justified freely forever
One day He’s coming
Oh glorious day, oh glorious day

One day they led Him up Calvary’s mountain
One day they nailed Him to die on a tree
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected
Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He
Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree
And took the nails for me 

One day the grave could conceal Him no longer
One day the stone rolled away from the door
Then He arose, over death He had conquered
Now He’s ascended, my Lord evermore
Death could not hold Him, the grave could not keep Him
From rising again 

One day the trumpet will sound for His coming
One day the skies with His glories will shine
Wonderful day, my Beloved One, bringing
My Savior, Jesus, is mine 

As you can see..the grave is not the end! It wasn't the end for Jesus and it's NOT the end for Ayden. It's just the beginning of eternity. And on this Resurrection Day, I praise the One who makes it possible for me to leave this horrible world for the world I was made for, for Heaven. Because this world is full of emptiness no matter how much you attain. It's never enough. But what Jesus did on the cross was enough. It is enough for you, for me, for Ayden, and for everyone, but you have to accept His free gift.

For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves:it is the gift of God: Ephesians 2:8

One day He's coming. I can't wait!!! 

The storm in me...

I've been meaning to write for awhile now..always thinking of things I want to write down but never doing it because things are busy and life is hard. We just passed 9 month since Ayden's accident, the day left us & never the same. There have been so many difficult things we've had to deal with. Going back to the home we lived in in Mississippi and seeing his little rain boots on the porch where he left them, his bed made with his mickey mouse's the way he liked it, all of that. Only to have to move a month later and leave that house that held all of the memories behind. I didn't want to leave Ayden's grave, I wanted to live where I could "visit" him, but at the same time, I didn't want to leave that house. But then again how could I live IN it without him. How could I live anywhere without him? Ugh. So we moved, and amazingly enough God provided so we never had to actually make a house payment after we left. We found buyers for the house and they moved in right after we moved out. Darryl's job transferred him to New Orleans right away so that was never an issue either.Even in the tough times and times when we feel like He's not there, He is faithful. I know He is. 

So we moved into a house with family for a few weeks and Caleb started school, another BIG event in our household since I never don't have my kids. If you have known me for any amount of time before the accident, my kids were with me 24/7 and I was never away from them more than 4 hours at a time except for 2x, once when they spent the night with family for our anniversary, and once when Kaelyn was born. And I was nervous both times because why? Because I'm one of the most overprotective mommies in the world. Of course. Anyway, back to the school part, we put him in a local Christian school and the first day was TOUGH. It was heartwrenching to see poor Caleb try so hard to be brave only to break down crying when I said I had to leave and me to break down crying. I waited in the hall for 30 minutes just listening to my poor baby cry for me, cry for Ayden. If Darryl wasn't there I would have scooped him up and homeschooled him through college because I wasn't about to leave my baby upset after everything he's gone through. But thankfully he did calm down with the help of one of my friends who works at the school who sat in the room with him. So thankful for her. It also happens to be that Caleb's teacher (who is amazing by the way) lost her own little boy many years ago. She shows great compassion for Caleb and what he's had to endure, and I know that God gave her to us, to Caleb because He knows exactly what we need. We also were able to get in a rental house without a lease or anything tying us to it while we decided whether to build or buy a home here. We also started Ayden's Foundation of Hope in August, to help other grieving parents and to keep our boy's memory alive. He is faithful. I know He is. 

September 5th, what was to be Ayden's 4th birthday came and nothing can prepare you for that. I'm BIG on making a huge deal out of their birthdays, but what do you do when your child isn't there anymore? It was horrible, there's no way around it. But we did what we could to celebrate it. Bringing balloons to let go in honor of him. Bringing him a big mickey balloon for his gravesite and little orange balloons with the number 4. We sang happy birthday to our sweet boy and went home and ate his favorite foods. No cake, no ice cream, no candles being blown out, no 5 hour cake making, no beaters to lick the icing off of, no sweet dimples and beautiful eyes lighting up at the presents. Nothing. No parent should have to do that.But we do, and there are people like us having to endure the same thing. I hate this. I hate listening to what Caleb thinks about it all, knowing his life will always be scarred by this. It's not fair. But He is faithful. I know He is. 

October, November, December. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, all of the joyous holidays that we once SO much enjoyed, came and went, emptied of the sweet & joyfulness we once had with Ayden here. Seeing families together would make us cringe, not understanding why we can't have that too. Why us? Why does that family have all of their GROWN children and we at 25 years old had to lose our 3 year old. Caleb at 5 had to lose his brother & best friend. And Kaelyn at 2 months had to lose her big brother, and will never get to know how very sweet he was with her. Why couldn't we just have these holidays with all three kids at least ONE year. We never got even one. Just 2 months with all 3 kids. It wasn't enough. It will never make sense to me. Even so, He is faithful. I know He is. 

In December, we closed on some property. It's funny, we have passed this lot so many times the last couple of years, never knowing our future home would be there. We planned to build in another city, but it never worked out. God knew where we'd end up. This property was $20,000 cheaper than the property we were looking at 20 minutes away and it's in the same city as our families and Caleb's school. We now realize this is the best decision and are very grateful for the property we were able to purchase. He is faithful. I know He is. 

It's now March and we are trucking along. We made it past new years, valentines, , my birthday, and st pattys day.. I know it seems odd to make a big deal out of little holidays, but I always did with the kids. We'd do crafts and bake things, just a way to make the days more fun & interesting. Now I find myself struggling to do that for Caleb without Ayden because it's just plain hard seeing that void. Not seeing 4 hands playing with dough, painting a picture, not hearing his little voice trying to talk over Caleb's. Anytime we'd be in the car and they both were trying to talk to me they'd both say "Mommy Mommy Mommy, (repeat 437 times) and I distinctly remember Ayden would always say, "I asked you birst!" (first) Love his little voice. It's' SO hard to do life without him. It's so hard when people make dumb comments implying I should be over it, or am over it. Newsflash:I'll never be OVER it, you don't get over losing your child! You just go on as best as you can and try to be there for the ones you have. It's hard when people ask How many kids do you have, and when you say 3, they look at the 2 you have tagging along and wonder where the 3rd is. And sometimes I just want to say Nope, not doing it anymore...    

But....

Caleb has amazing cursive, is reading like crazy, making friends left & right, and is one hilarious little dude. And he is watching us...

And KGrace, she's taking up to 15 steps at a time now, is getting super stubborn, and has the best little girly smile & dance I've ever seen..And she is watching us..

This is affecting them too... and will forever. So I choose to live it out. To make a conscious choice to live for Him and live for them, because that's what matters at the end of the day.

I will have bad days where I don't want to talk, or text, or smile but just bear with me...because I do have a storm in me that has changed my entire being, and it's permanent. Most days Jesus calms it, but there are some days where I just about can't take it all. Too many flashbacks from that day, bad memories, and wishes that I would have been more, done more. I will get sad when I see families together, I will think of Ayden everytime I see a little blonde headed boy with blue eyes, and wonder why my sweet boy? I will cringe and most likely bluntly say something everytime I hear a mom whine about their child and what a rough day they had, or how their boys are arguing and how annoying it is they because I'd give anything for those days of NOISE back. The silence here is heart wrenching. I know that it's probably not fair for me to compare it to others situations, but it's all I have. It's what's constantly on my mind and in my heart because it's such a large void that will not be filled on this earth.  I realize that, and it's painful beyond words, but He is faithful. I know He is. 

Who am I, 

that the voice that calmed the sea

Would call out through the rain

And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am

But because of what You've done

Not because of what I've done

But because of who You are

 I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours

I am His. Ayden was God's before he was mine, and He's holding Him right now. Now without that hope, I would be crushed, devastated, and depressed. But I know Ayden is ok, and I know that I'll see him again, the worst part is this wait. Darryl said something to me the other day that I hadn't heard said in the context he said it. "The only thing between us & Heaven is death." That was totally profound to me. Of course I knew that, but think about it, think about the way the world views death as this horrible thing, when in all reality, THAT is the real start. That's the real deal right there, when life is actually 100% perfect. So... we toil through this muddy,disappointing life, always hoping and forever looking forward to the life we'll have forever with Ayden. Until then we work. We pray, we help other families, and we tell people about the Hope we have in Jesus. Because we want others to experience the realness of the life ahead of us. This one will have its sadness, it's disappointments, and imperfections. But if you have Jesus, the next one won't have anything but eternal happpiness I don't know about you but I can't wait for an eternity of hugs, kisses and piggyback rides with my little man. I miss this. I miss toting 3 kids around. I see others with all three of theirs and wonder, why me, why us, Why Ayden???? But then I remember where he is. He's in heaven with Jesus... So until I get to be with him.. "I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 3:14

Orange, Mickey Mouse, and my sweet boy...

I miss my boy so much tonight... like every other night.

One night in July the sky just lit up in the most brilliant orange colors...

And it seemed like I could see Mickey mouse ears in the clouds too. I know it may sound weird, but things like that just seem to be really awesome, and almost like a gift to a momma who misses her boy that LOVED orange and mickey mouse.

 SO beautiful.

As the sky got darker, the orange just got more brilliant. It was really amazing. 

Sometimes, I just need to see it and think it was put there to calm my heart. Like God's saying to me, I have him here with me, he's ok, you'll see him soon.

Man, I hope it's soon. I just want one of these hugs.

Until then I'm looking, waiting, & watching...

Titus 2:13

 "Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Saviour Jesus Christ;"

A camping getaway...

We knew it would be hard to go on a trip without Ayden. We knew we didn't really WANT to go. But then again.. kind of had to. You see, we scheduled our camping trip to Yogi park in February 3 months ahead of time so we could go in May with our 3 kids. But then Ayden broke his arm in may, and because he couldn't get his cast wet, we decided to reschedule it to June. So he could get wet in the splashpad, and swim.. Ugh. Little did we know, we wouldn't have our little man on the trip we had talked about for months. The camping trip Darryl was SO excited to take his boys on. The trip that I had been looking forward to for months because it would get us out of the house and away from the stress of cleaning/always having to have the house clean because it was on the market. JUST to have time to spend playing with my boys in the woods & water, and cuddling my newborn baby girl, so awesome! 

But we didn't get that. That was IMPOSSIBLE.

We debated even going. He was SO excited for the trip. How could we go without him? But then Caleb was excited for the trip too..and he is HERE. WITH us here. We had to take him. We HAD to go for the children we had here with us.

For them. And for us too.

So we did. It was beautiful. It was SO hard. It was necessary.

The cabin was beautiful. Just what we were expecting and wanting when we booked it 3 months prior.

Had a kitchen, a master bed, a little living room, and oh, and upper loft.

with TWO beds. 

Two. Perfect.

All I could do when I looked at those beds was think of HOW much fun my boys would have had together on those beds! Why Lord why can't I just see my boys jumping around up there together? It seems like such a simple request. 

We quickly unpacked and headed for the splashpad...Caleb didn't want to wait any longer and I wanted to stop staring at the stupid loft.. so off we went! I wasn't happy about it. I didn't want to be near water, I didn't want to see a pool or any little 3 year old boys running around with their families when I so badly wanted mine! But nonetheless, my feelings weren't worth disappointing Caleb. We had to face it eventually, here it was, a month after the accident, and Caleb's wanting to swim in a pool.

He's 6. He loves the water. Ayden loved the water too..
My thoughts torment me sometimes..

But..

The entire trip was worth it..

Why, you ask?

to see them laugh like this..

to see her reaction to the cold water..

to watch Caleb just enjoying some time with his Daddy..

 to let her feel the sand for the first time..

 cute little feet.

to watch them fish again...even though they both missing their fishing buddy..

 to watch him re-grill his grilled cheese from dinner. (he's so goofy)

 to be STILL for awhile and take in the paintings God gave us in the sunsets. 

They were painted orange because it's Ayden's favorite color, and we needed to see that... I just know that's the reason, ok?

 to see her hair curl for the very first time..

{Oh you know you see it sticking up there!}

 Our first trip without Ayden...or was it? He seemed to be there. In every laugh, every sunset, every tear, every smile from his brother & sister, in the orange golf cart we drove around in... everywhere. He's with us and will always be with us because we aren't separated forever...just for now, one day we'll see him again.

 But for now... we miss him SO much it hurts... Kaelyn summed it up pretty well.

 First trip. Check.