Thankful.

I am having a really, REALLY hard time being thankful this year. And in my mind I can justify it. I have the right to be mad! My little boy is gone! Why would a loving God let that happen to us? What were we doing so wrong that could make it ok to happen to us? Then I remember..

I don't deserve a thing.

I mean, I feel like I deserve my whole family here with me. I feel like I deserve all three of my kids to be healthy, and to be able to watch them grow up. I see friends all around me who have all of their kids, who are getting excited about the Christmas season and everything coming up and I just ache watching it, and I think, "why do they get that chance?" And I actually get annoyed that they have it all! Mean, right? I know..

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and honestly, we've pretty much ignored it all. I haven't bought anything to cook, and I don't plan to. We left for a little getaway to the town we previously lived in, and just got back tonight. I just don't want Thanksgiving to come! I see all these thankful posts on everyone's facebook, they're so happy. The fact is, it's easy to be thankful when everything is going great. Of course! So I get that. People are happy, they have all their kids, and life is wonderful. But I don't have that anymore. I mean, I would live in a shoebox forever if I could just have all of my kids, that's all I want! And though I feel very ripped off, and still can't understand how/why this happened to us, I am thankful.

*I am thankful for the cross, and for what Jesus did on the cross. He died so we could live. He died, so my sweet Ayden could have a place FOREVER! SO we could! How in the world could I not be thankful for that? Sometimes it's SO hard to remember that this life is not our final destination. This is just a tiny road to the big, huge, massive journey of our life. It just seems so long sometimes. Ayden is living LIFE, we are the ones missing out.

*I am thankful for the memories. It's easy for me to say, I ONLY got 3.75 years with him! Why not more? Why do some moms get to watch their kids grow up, and I didn't get to? Why such a short time? I mean, now Caleb's life is forever altered too, he doesn't go a day without saying he misses his brother. When we lost Ayden, we lost a part of Caleb too, because his poor innocence, carefree-ness, it was taken away that day, and replaced with constant day-to-day questions about death. Nonetheless, I'm getting off track. The memories I have with Ayden are precious. I got to stay home with him and take care of him. I got to tuck him in every night, and wake up to his sweet face every morning. No one else saw him more than I did! I realize not all mom's can say this. I regret some of the things I did/didn't do with Ay. I sometimes tell Darryl, "I was too strict!" or "why did I do that with him" or "do you think he knew how much I loved him?". I think he did. I think mom's just second guess all the time. I was always trying to do so much, and I hope I did the things that mattered more than the things that really don't.

*I am thankful for the Bible.  I grew up in a Christian home, so I was taught to read the Bible at a young age. I can say that I have read it, and needed it throughout the years, but never so much as now. I find myself searching some days just for an ounce of comfort, and I find it there. 

*I am thankful for my other half.  That's just what he is. We have an interesting story, that's really like none other I've heard. Met at 16, married at 18, moved to Germany, had 2 boys in 4 years, moved back, bought our house, had another baby, lost a child.  That last one hurts to type. Ugh. Some days when he's at work, I feel a bit lost. The other day I was at church with the kids, and he was at work, he has to work some church times, but anyway, that day he had taken off a few hours earlier to make it in time for church. I didn't know he was going to be there during the service and I was just sad in the service. He walked through the door and I just felt myself breathe a sigh of relief.  He comforts me like no one else can, because he knows me like no one else does, and because he knows how I feel like no one else does. He's Ayden's daddy, and such a good one. I never would have imagined this would be part of our story..but then again, I'm not the one writing it. I'm just thankful Darryl is a permanent part of my story. Our story.

*I am thankful for my babies. My THREE amazing, wonderful babies. I have three kids..... I have 3 kids. When people that don't know me ask me how many kids I have, I'll say three, and I see them look around wondering where the third is. That sucks. I hate that. I just want to go crawl into a hole and never come out. But I can't because I have THREE kids. Jesus is holding Ay until I can, but I have two other little ones here with arms to hug, hands to hold, owies to kiss, and hearts to nourish. Just because I can't do that with Ay doesn't mean I stop doing that with them, even more so now I need to be there for them. I'm so grateful for all of my babies. It just hurts so much knowing what I'm missing in Ayden. He IS so sweet. I'm not using past tense with Ayden because frankly, he's not dead, he's more alive than I am and I'm so sick of the dang past tense! The world can be so depressing.

*I am thankful for family. Let's face it. Families can either be a blessing or a curse, I mean really. But we happen to have a great one. Our circumstances could have torn our family apart, but it hasn't. We have come together and been there for each other, and I'm grateful for that, because that's what Ayden would want, I know that's what he wants. He loved everyone and he's just so happy, loving, and easy going, I just know he wants us all to be happy with each other and not let petty things get in the way. And believe me, that can happen so easily. 

Our life before this happened was AMAZING. God worked things out so perfectly that there was no explanation for it other than that God was in every aspect of our life. I had people who would literally get mad because our life was so great, or because everything just seemed to work out so well. It was all God. I said it then, and I'll say it again now. When we were in Germany  Darryl was supposed to deploy for a year, but right before they left, they decided to keep him back along with a few other people to handle things there. God knew that Darryl would need every precious day with Ay that he could have. When Darryl got out of the army, we were a bit worried about a job, but God wasn't. He was there planning it all the way he perfectly does. By the time Darryl's last army paycheck hit, he had a job offer from the FAA. When we found out we were moving to Brandon, we literally had a day & a half to look at houses, we found our house in that amount of time, and it was PERFECT for us. That wasn't happenstance, that was God weaving His plan the way He does best. 

But when something bad happens...something horrible happens. Why is our automatic reaction blaming God? So many people have come to me and said, why you? Why your family? I don't understand! And honestly, I don't get it either. I say the same thing, and question God all.the.time. Of course, when the good things happened I didn't question it. I didn't ask why me? why my family? I was just happy for the good, did we deserve the good? Nope. But we got it.. Do we deserve this? No, I don't think so. But it happened, for reasons we can't and don't understand. Maybe one day we'll know an ounce of why it happened the way it did, why it had to happen at all. 

Or maybe we won't.

Some people say that when we get to Heaven, it'll be so amazing, so magnificent, that our sorrow on earth just won't matter anymore. Which makes sense being that there's no sadness in Heaven. But my earthly mindset says, oh the first thing I'm going to say is "WHY my baby?!"

Who knows.

Well anyway, it's 2am Thanksgiving 2011, and I'm sitting at the desk missing my boy. Last Thanksgiving we had just found out Kaelyn was a girl, my parents and a good friend from Germany were in town visiting and all was right in the world. 

I miss swinging him. He'd say, "Mommy, will you come wing me?"

I loved hosting Thanksgiving. In our 7 years of marriage I've only not hosted one time.

Look at his full little mouth. So so cute.

He had fun baking, he loved being in the kitchen.

Usually, we decorate for Christmas the day after Thanksgiving.

Ay was excited about the stockings.

 I'm going to miss taking this pic this year...of course his stocking will always go up. I just want him to put it up himself! Agh.

 We let them decorate their bunk beds with lights last year. they LOVED it. Just look at their faces.

So sweet. I miss that innocence.

Please keep praying for us. We need it every single day.

It's a struggle. So many people say "You handle it so well", " I couldn't handle that like you do", "God only gives you what you can handle". I mean really. Those words are no help. I don't handle it well, but I have other kids to live for, so I do it. God doesn't only give what we can handle, he gives what he gives and expects us to in turn give it to Him to handle. HE is the only One that gets us through it, not anything we ourselves can do. If I had to rely on me, it wouldn't be a pretty picture at all.

Here we are at the fall fest for church at the end of October, missing a hugely important piece of our puzzle, our sweet Ay man.

But these kids are what keeps us going when we feel like we can't. Look at her!

She's precious!!

These are a few of her 6 month pics and she is just such a happy baby. Oh and she just recently

turned 7 months but is pulling up, cruising, and crawling! All too fast.

 Caleb is such a good big bubba. He loves to hold her, sing, and be silly with her.

Wouldn't you say these are great reasons to keep on going? I would.

"Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God."   Hebrews 12:2