Just ready to go home..

Home.

“I want to go back to our house in Mississippi and live with Ayden again, I just want to go home.” That’s what my 6 year old little man told me in the car the other day as we were driving back to our rental house here in Louisiana. We are in the beginning stages of building our own house here, and Caleb’s a bit unsure of it all. He just wants his normal back, and I can’t blame him a bit. We are in such a limbo, and have been since that horrible night in June.

In my mind, I want to go back to that house too. To that place we called home for almost 2 years, to that place where I have so many memories of playing with my boys, jumping on the trampoline, doing crafts with them, making popcorn and watching movies, baking Christmas cookies, dancing to the Polar express, hearing their feet slap the door, listening to their giggles.

My world seems strangely silent now. I still have two amazing little children here with me but my world is so different. It’s so much quieter because of a gaping hole that was left in our earthly family here when Ayden went to Heaven. 

Am I happy that he’s in Heaven and will never know pain again, will never have to deal with the (excuse my french) CRAP that we have to put up with here on earth? Of course I am. Would I rather him be here with me. Of course I do. What mom wouldn’t?

Home.

A home is not a house. It’s not a building. It’s not a pretty floorplan, or granite countertops in the kitchen. It’s not a beautiful fireplace or custom designed cabinetry. It’s  where you love. It’s snowball fights in the backyard. It’s falling asleep  on the couch with a newborn baby on your chest. It’s playing Candyland for the bagillionth time just because they ask you with those dimples shining. It’s prayer time at night when they selflessly pray for about 20 other people, even if they are just doing it to stall bedtime. It’s shaving cream wars, pillow fights, 5 more hugs and 5 more kisses, and everything in between.It’s where you live, where you REALLY live! 

Sometimes now it feels like I’ll never get there. Like we’ll never be normal again and never have a home that I’ll love to be in again. Not without my Ay man. But I know better. I know that THIS world is not my home. The things here can't bring anyone lasting happiness. That’s why you see millionaires who are empty, who are broken, who are MISERABLE. Because all the money in the world cannot buy them happiness, or joy. Just a temporary fix to an eternal problem. God has prepared places for us, our eternal home. And we will get to Live more than we ever lived here. That's what Ayden's doing this very second.

I came across a verse the other day...

“For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, an house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.”  2 Corinthians 5:1

A house eternal. A home forever. That’s what I want!!! I want to be with my kids forever & ever and never have to miss Ayden’s hugs again. I want to not have to worry about the cares of this life and just eternally be happy with the ones I love, and meet the God who chose me to be the mother to the 3 most amazing kids I’ve ever met. The God who knew what would happen before it did. Then it will all make sense. I want to go HOME.

But, that’s not my calling yet. I’m called right now, in this moment to push forward. To press on. 

“I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” Phillipians 3:14

There are some days I just do not want to press on! I just want to wallow in my self pity as I'm so utterly aware of how many families have their kids at home with them, ALL of their kids. It's hard not to be bitter. It's hard to watch mom's who have grown kids who have never had to go through losing a child. Sometimes I think, I'm 25. That's it? 25 good years, and then this? What am I supposed to do with this? I want my boy back, things were going so great! This is NOT how life was supposed to be.

"For which cause we faint not, but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Then I have to manually change my thinking. I am owed NOTHING. But I get to see my boy again because of who Jesus is and because of what He did on the cross so many years ago. I was never promised an a pain free earthly life, BUT, I was promised a HOPEful future.

"That being justified by his grace, we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life." Titus 3:7

I’m reminded of a wonderful song by Selah. I love so many of their songs. But the words to this one is just pretty amazing.

When Love Was Slain--Selah

This world is not my home, 

Oh, this world is not my home, 

My home's been made at Heaven's throne, 

This world is not my home. 

This life is not my own, 

Oh, this life is not my own, 

I am His and His alone, 

This life is not my own. 

I was bought when Love was slain, 

What I cost, to pay death's wage, 

Now ransomed, I am freedom's slave, 

My Jesus raised me from the grave. 

[ Lyrics from:

Come now and walk with me, 

Oh, come now and walk with me, 

Together we and Lord shall meet, 

Come now and walk with me. 

I was bought when Love was slain, 

What I cost, to pay death's wage, 

Now ransomed, I am freedom's slave, 

My Jesus raised me from the grave. 

Soon Lord, very soon, 

Oh, soon Lord, oh very soon, 

You'll come take me to be with You, 

Soon Lord, very soon. 

Soon Lord, oh very soon.

----

Home.

Soon! Man I cannot wait until I hold my baby boy again. I hope it’s soon. Until then..one day, one moment, one step at a time.. It’s all we can do. I miss my boy so much! Can't wait to go Home and see him!