So so so much.
His silliness. His voice. His sweet heart.
I miss watching the boys play together.
I miss hearing them argue.
I miss watching him come kiss baby "Daelyn" (kaelyn)
I miss him coming in the bed at night and sleeping by my legs.
I miss hearing him pray.
I miss reading him the toy story book over & over again.
I miss having a preschooler, a toddler. Caleb seems so grown these days... I was so excited to do school with Ay and have some one on one time with him while Caleb went to "big school". I never got the chance.
I miss his smile & dimples. He is/was such a genuinely happy kid.
I miss him running. He ran everywhere.
I miss hearing the way he talked. The way he said "ORNGGGE, Mee Mouuu, Toy Dory, Dayub, I Luh You." ugh :(
I miss hearing the way he talked. The way he said "ORNGGGE, Mee Mouuu, Toy Dory, Dayub, I Luh You." ugh :(
I miss taking pictures of his crazy antics.
I miss putting two different color cereal bowls on the counter in the morning, making 2 lunches, tucking two boys in, hearing them talk to each other til they fall asleep, hearing them giggle, watching them race to see who could buckle first.
I miss going on walks with all of the kiddos. He loved riding his bike.
I miss his laugh. I watched a video last night and I laughed, then wanted to scream at the unfairness of having to watch it through a video..he feels so far away.
I miss watching Darryl with "his boys". Being rough & crazy, going to lowes, coaching their teams, piggyback rides, trampoline jumping..
I miss just saying "the boys".
I miss being normal. It's so far away it seems and I just want it all back! I know he is in the best place possible, but I want him here. I miss him so much.
I miss my baby boy!
Sometimes, it's easy to get caught up in everything I miss about him, and I can work myself into this grief place that feels like there's no escape. I've said before, and I'll say it again. I know this isn't all there is. I know this isn't the world I was made for or that my kids were made for. I know there's SO much more.
It's just hard to deal with. SO hard. Because I want it easy! I want the life that I see so many others living with all their kids. Yes, they struggle too, but certainly not like this. Not like the struggle of losing a child.
You can't "fix" it like you can a money issue or relationship issue. It is something that I cannot fix and I deeply struggle with that. One thing I've noticed is that God never promised it would be easy. In fact, he pretty much promised that it WOULD be hard.
1 Peter 4:12-13, 19
"Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. Wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator. "
John 16:33
"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."
And I have to say, I have that peace. I don't have a peace about everything, like how it happened, or how young my sweet boy was when it happened, but I have peace that he's with Jesus, he's home. He's not at the home I'd like him to be because I want him here. But as a friend sweetly reminded me today, he was God's first. It's hard to wrap my head around that because yes, he's mine, of course he's mine. But God gave him to me, and man, what a precious gift my Ay is. He is a joy. I just deeply miss him. So much.
This is the background and screen saver to my phone. It helps me think that as we're trying to help others through Aydens Foundation of Hope, that maybe he's watching or knowing about it, and giving us a thumbs up like he always did. Look at his sweet smile. Oh my goodness what a happy little man.
Love & miss you sweet boy! Can't wait to see you again.
"God hath not promised skies always blue.
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God hath not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.
But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.
God hath not promised we shall not know
Toil and temptation, trouble and woe;
He hath not told us we shall not bear
Many a burden, many a care.
But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.
God hath not promised smooth roads and wide,
Swift, easy travel, needing no guide;
Never a mountain, rocky and steep,
Never a river, turbid and deep.
But God hath promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love."
Annie J. Flint
3 comments:
Oh how the aching for the presence of my sweet little grandson continues as I read your heartfelt words.Your loving tributes to Ayden are a gift for our family and for other families who have experienced a similar tragedy. Thank you for being willing to share. Love you!
Erin
The tears are flowing freely right here, reading and feeling your heartache. I know I've said it before and I mean it and I know you'll get this, unfortunately. I wish so much you did NOT know this pain. It's a pain no mother would ever wish on another, especially once they are the ones living it.
It's been almost 12 yrs since Jordyn went home to Heaven, wow...12 yrs. I should have an almost 14 yr old and I can tell you that it's still at times hard for me to wrap my head around, much less my heart. Most days are gentle, laughter flows so easily, life does keep going, even when all you wanted was for it to stop, and God's mercy is sufficient....and your brain knows that, sometimes though getting your heart to grasp it, is another story.
There are times my arms still ache to hold Jordyn in them, even though I know it'd be few and far between that she'd probably even allow that to happen. To feel her again would be such an amazing gift. I do have to sometimes verbally remind myself "one day your heart will be completely whole again".
When I have a really, really hard day (normally her birthday is the hardest for me) I sing "How Great Thou Art" to myself, over and over. I don't know if you know the story behind the song, but it's so humbling. The man who wrote it, had moved to the US, his wife and children were sailing to the US when all his children died, and his wife sent a message informing him of the tragedy. In his sorrow he wrote "How Great Thou Art". I long to be so faithful to the Lord and praise him, especially in my deep sorrow.
Praying for you, that in your grief and sorrow you can feel Ayden close and that you feel the Lord even closer.
((((((Erin))))))))))
Bless your heart! I don't "know" you, but I do pray for you often and your sweet boy crosses my mind often, too. Your strength is encouraging. You are amazing.
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